Well, I thought I had lost this blog that I have not done a whole lot with since November 2011! OOPS!!
I was thinking of creating another blog, but I stumbled on this one. Now, I will remember where I found it and will be more consistent with it.
My husband and I saw Hope Springs last night with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones and of course Steve Carrell. It was very funny!! Tommy places great as a grumpy old man and Steve does a great job as being a therapist and Meryl is awesome as always.
I won't go into total details but it is about their marriage, the season/stage of marriage they are in and how they work through it.
Marriage takes work. It's like a plant: seed, plant, feed, water, fertilize, nurture it, give it sunlight, shade, trim, pluck, pull weeds etc. When you nurture your marriage, it will grow.
We get "stuck" at times, nothing looks fresh, a lot of weeds, dry ground and the marriage/plant just stays there. Stuck.
How to re nurture your marriage?
REVISIT/REMEMBER: how you both fell for each other, what he/she wore, first date, first kiss, first sexual encounter, how did you feel, what did you do to pursue the other, remember the experiences that you have built into the marriage and how it all started
RESTORE: healing, where the marriage once was, rekindle the fire for the other person. When you remember the things that made your spouse happy, excited, loved, the feelings will come back. It can take awhile but the feelings can return.
RENEW: your commitment to each other, forgive, nurture your marriage daily, weekly, monthly so that you don't get "stuck" again.
Change happens, people change but hopefully in marriage, each person grows together. When it does not happen, that does not mean that change can not take place, may just take longer.
So, if you want a great marriage, pull the weeds, replant together, nurture it and watch out for the weeds again.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Monday, November 14, 2011
It's the Holidays!!
The colder weather is coming in, lights are being put up, turkeys will soon be carved and we got through Halloween. Holidays are wonderful, aggravating and can be stressful when families come over to eat, visit and have a good time. So, how can the holidays be less frustrating and more fun? Here are some ideas:
1. Share the duties. If you are the one who ALWAYS cooks the turkey, has the festivities at your house, ask for help and comment that you would like other people to help out this year. Delegate can be done too. When family is coming over, you can suggest or recommend that they bring a particular dish or if that's too forward then let them know that you will be making the turkey, ham, whatever but the side dishes they need to bring.
2. Have a family plan on who is going to help out with what. If your kids are there, then they will need to help out with setting the table, the hor derves, the family football game, etc. Delegate with this too.
3. Make time for YOU to enjoy the holiday. If you are ALWAYS in the kitchen, then tell yourself to step out and join the others. If someone wants or needs something else, it's okay to have them get it for themselves. It may be wierd but it's okay for you to enjoy the holiday too.
To decrease family stress, it can be difficult but if you know the same type of conversations are going to happen like they usually do, then you can keep your responses nice and short, try to change the topic or say that you love them too much to keep arguing about the same thing.
Enjoy the holidays with your family.
1. Share the duties. If you are the one who ALWAYS cooks the turkey, has the festivities at your house, ask for help and comment that you would like other people to help out this year. Delegate can be done too. When family is coming over, you can suggest or recommend that they bring a particular dish or if that's too forward then let them know that you will be making the turkey, ham, whatever but the side dishes they need to bring.
2. Have a family plan on who is going to help out with what. If your kids are there, then they will need to help out with setting the table, the hor derves, the family football game, etc. Delegate with this too.
3. Make time for YOU to enjoy the holiday. If you are ALWAYS in the kitchen, then tell yourself to step out and join the others. If someone wants or needs something else, it's okay to have them get it for themselves. It may be wierd but it's okay for you to enjoy the holiday too.
To decrease family stress, it can be difficult but if you know the same type of conversations are going to happen like they usually do, then you can keep your responses nice and short, try to change the topic or say that you love them too much to keep arguing about the same thing.
Enjoy the holidays with your family.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Raising a strong and a healthy emotional child
There's a lot of advice out there on how to raise a healthy emotional child but maybe not everyone does it or as consistent as it can be done. I see that there are 2 main things that are needed to raise a healthy emotional child.
1: Say "NO". As a parent, we do not want our children to cry, be upset, feel down, or anything negative but that is not going to help them grow up emotionally healthy if you as the parent, keep taking care of their emotions for them or giving into what they want. It's okay to say NO to your child. It is also important for them to hear the word "NO" because when they are out of your home, they will not get what they want. They will have to accept that they may not always get what they want and they will still be okay.
2. Validate their emotions, even if they are angry with ... YOU! When we tell our child that it is okay to be upset, mad, sad, happy or whatever the motions and accept what they are feeling, that helps them to become emotionally stronger too. The feelings they experience are their own feelings. They may be different than yours, which is totally fine because they are not you, they are who they are going to be. It's your job as a parent, to help them understand their feelings and believe that they can work through their feelings.
There are a lot of other ways to raise a child to be emotionally healthy but these are two of importance.
A resource that is helpful is by John Gottman, Emotion Coaching. The website is http://www.gottman.com/.
1: Say "NO". As a parent, we do not want our children to cry, be upset, feel down, or anything negative but that is not going to help them grow up emotionally healthy if you as the parent, keep taking care of their emotions for them or giving into what they want. It's okay to say NO to your child. It is also important for them to hear the word "NO" because when they are out of your home, they will not get what they want. They will have to accept that they may not always get what they want and they will still be okay.
2. Validate their emotions, even if they are angry with ... YOU! When we tell our child that it is okay to be upset, mad, sad, happy or whatever the motions and accept what they are feeling, that helps them to become emotionally stronger too. The feelings they experience are their own feelings. They may be different than yours, which is totally fine because they are not you, they are who they are going to be. It's your job as a parent, to help them understand their feelings and believe that they can work through their feelings.
There are a lot of other ways to raise a child to be emotionally healthy but these are two of importance.
A resource that is helpful is by John Gottman, Emotion Coaching. The website is http://www.gottman.com/.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Now that school is back,,,,how to decrease Homework Hell?
The kids may not be happy with being back in school but maybe you, parents are! You both are not looking forward to homework and the struggle that it can be. Well, how about a little change?
Set a place where homework will get done. Consistent place will help with transition from school to home and it can become a good habit.
Have homework time right after school. Why? If homework is put off til after dinner or TV, then your kid or kids will not want to get it done, the brain has "shut off" from school mode and you may be setting yourself up for arguments. I know it may be challenging when sports are involved and yes kids do need a downtime, however if the schedule can be managed then when homework is complete, the kid and you will actually have MORE downtime!
Allow your child to be responsible for their homework. I know that is challenging because parents want their children to get their homework done and parents do not want to have to constantly remind them,, but parents do. It works for the kids because the amount of time that is being argued about getting homework done, the homework can actually be done. So,, how to change that?
For starters: the child knows what he/she has to do. They were in school, they are very smart and it is their responsibility to get their work done. That is their job. If you are working harder than your child about their homework, they do not really have to worry about it, because you are worrying for them. So, remind them the homework schedule, remind them that if they need help you will help them and when the homework is done, they can play. If they take hours to do 1 or 2 pages, then they are telling you that they do not care about playtime, TV,,, etc. So, when it is time to go to bed and they said they did not get to play or watch TV, a simple answer would be: Well, next time complete your homework on time and then you may be able to play. That's it,, nothing more. Try not to engage in the child's whining,, they want that! Homework is THEIR responsibility.
What if they do not turn their homework in? Yes, this is a problem and you are involved because the teacher calls you and tells you what happened and expects you to make sure the homework is turned it. So, this part can be challenging but can still be done. A response would be: Tell (Tommy) that he needs to turn in the homework, and I will remind him once. It's Tommy's (your child's) responsibility. They will learn that when they do not turn in their homework then they do not get to have fun, will have more homework etc. The challenging part is that as parents, we do not want our children to suffer or have consequences... but that in the end does not help them. It can actually hurt them. Allow your child to deal with the consequences for thier actions,, they will learn and they will choose what they are going to do. Hopefully they will learn quickly but sometimes they do not. If you keep nagging them, then they will not do it on their own or only do it so you will get off their back.
Your children will rise to the occasion, however high the bar is set. Setting the bar too high is frustrating as well as having it set too low.
Homework is the child's responsibility. When he/she completes it on his own, he/she will feel accomplished, feel good and have a good sense of self worth. Nag less,, does not really help at all..
More later
Set a place where homework will get done. Consistent place will help with transition from school to home and it can become a good habit.
Have homework time right after school. Why? If homework is put off til after dinner or TV, then your kid or kids will not want to get it done, the brain has "shut off" from school mode and you may be setting yourself up for arguments. I know it may be challenging when sports are involved and yes kids do need a downtime, however if the schedule can be managed then when homework is complete, the kid and you will actually have MORE downtime!
Allow your child to be responsible for their homework. I know that is challenging because parents want their children to get their homework done and parents do not want to have to constantly remind them,, but parents do. It works for the kids because the amount of time that is being argued about getting homework done, the homework can actually be done. So,, how to change that?
For starters: the child knows what he/she has to do. They were in school, they are very smart and it is their responsibility to get their work done. That is their job. If you are working harder than your child about their homework, they do not really have to worry about it, because you are worrying for them. So, remind them the homework schedule, remind them that if they need help you will help them and when the homework is done, they can play. If they take hours to do 1 or 2 pages, then they are telling you that they do not care about playtime, TV,,, etc. So, when it is time to go to bed and they said they did not get to play or watch TV, a simple answer would be: Well, next time complete your homework on time and then you may be able to play. That's it,, nothing more. Try not to engage in the child's whining,, they want that! Homework is THEIR responsibility.
What if they do not turn their homework in? Yes, this is a problem and you are involved because the teacher calls you and tells you what happened and expects you to make sure the homework is turned it. So, this part can be challenging but can still be done. A response would be: Tell (Tommy) that he needs to turn in the homework, and I will remind him once. It's Tommy's (your child's) responsibility. They will learn that when they do not turn in their homework then they do not get to have fun, will have more homework etc. The challenging part is that as parents, we do not want our children to suffer or have consequences... but that in the end does not help them. It can actually hurt them. Allow your child to deal with the consequences for thier actions,, they will learn and they will choose what they are going to do. Hopefully they will learn quickly but sometimes they do not. If you keep nagging them, then they will not do it on their own or only do it so you will get off their back.
Your children will rise to the occasion, however high the bar is set. Setting the bar too high is frustrating as well as having it set too low.
Homework is the child's responsibility. When he/she completes it on his own, he/she will feel accomplished, feel good and have a good sense of self worth. Nag less,, does not really help at all..
More later
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Is Self Esteem really the main problem?
I have clients who come to me and generally say that their self esteem is low. Yes, there are other things that have happened to them, they went through some really scary stuff or they are feeling depressed based on their situations and then they say, they have low self esteem. Parents will bring in their children or teens, talk about their behaviors and comment that their self esteem is low.
A therapist can not give a person higher self esteem. Only the person can give themselves higher self esteem.
So, what can a person do?
A great way to start is to realize that the person has only so much control in their lives. The control that a person has are: how they respond or react to a situation, what they do with their time, friends they make, choices they make, if they choose to go out and meet people or stay inside, what they eat or do not eat and if they ask for help or not. People also have control if they are going to take responsibility for their own actions, play the victim role, do things that they are supposed to do so that they do not always need to be told what to do.
Everything else is outside of their control. So even when the worst things that one can think of, if it's out of the person's control, it is out of their control. There is still a choice that a person will choose based on the information that they know, but they can not predict how things will actually turn out. For example; if a person chooses to play the slot machines in Vegas, with their pay check, that is their choice, They did control that part. When they lose, everytime, that is the outcome that they can not control and other consequences happen.
Accept responsibility for the choices that the person makes. It is so much easier to blame everyone else but it does not help make the person happier or feel good about themselves. When a person does accept their responsibility, it may not feel good and the risk can be high, but the person can be at peace that they did make the healthier choice, which does help the person's self esteem.
Don't play the victim role in life. What happens to you is not everyone else's fault and your happiness is not based on everyone else. Your happiness is YOUR choice! Playing the victim role: "Woe is Me", like Eyeore, does not help a person's self esteem.
Go and try out and do things. If you want to try baking, then do it. If things do not turn out well the first time, then keep trying. That is how you can build your self esteem. Being active, feeling comfortable to trying something new, risking in a way that the outcome can be positive. For example, if you want to run a marathon then take the steps to train for one. When you train for one, you see results. Your goal is the completion of a marathon, when you complete one, YOU feel good about yourself. Your self esteem grows.
Address the negative self belief statements in your head. If you ruminate over that you are a loser, that will keep you feeling depressed. If you say that you are a loser, look at what is factual, not base it on your feelings. If there is nothing factual about you being a loser, then that is a negative self belief statement which can be changed. For example: I am not a loser, I may not do this well, but I am trying and getting better. When you begin to change how you see yourself, even if you have been told for a long time that you are a loser, you are beginning to grow your self esteem. It can be a challenge but work at it daily, you will think better about yourself.
For the PARENTS: Stop doing everything for your child. If your child gets in trouble at school, help them through it but DON'T blame whatever it was on other people. DON'T fight their battles for them. Let them fight their own battles. Be there for support, to listen to them, to guide them, but allow them to handle the situations on their own. Help them to be responsible for their own choices, even if it is not a good choice. Remind them that your job as a parent is to guide them so they can be a responsible adult. Maybe parents need to remember that their job is to raise their children to make their own decisions, to have them be accountable for what they do, to be disciplined, to be the parent, not the friend. When parents do everything or a lot of things for their child, they are not helping them at all, but hurting them. Parents can reinforce thier child's own low self esteem.
Self esteem is what you do with what you can do. It also is what you get when you try something new. It is also how you see yourself, what you think about with yourself. Only YOU can increase your self esteem.
No one else can increase your self esteem. Not even a therapist, but a therapist, family, friends can help you cheer you on while you increase your self esteem.
Make healthier choices, you can begin now.
A therapist can not give a person higher self esteem. Only the person can give themselves higher self esteem.
So, what can a person do?
A great way to start is to realize that the person has only so much control in their lives. The control that a person has are: how they respond or react to a situation, what they do with their time, friends they make, choices they make, if they choose to go out and meet people or stay inside, what they eat or do not eat and if they ask for help or not. People also have control if they are going to take responsibility for their own actions, play the victim role, do things that they are supposed to do so that they do not always need to be told what to do.
Everything else is outside of their control. So even when the worst things that one can think of, if it's out of the person's control, it is out of their control. There is still a choice that a person will choose based on the information that they know, but they can not predict how things will actually turn out. For example; if a person chooses to play the slot machines in Vegas, with their pay check, that is their choice, They did control that part. When they lose, everytime, that is the outcome that they can not control and other consequences happen.
Accept responsibility for the choices that the person makes. It is so much easier to blame everyone else but it does not help make the person happier or feel good about themselves. When a person does accept their responsibility, it may not feel good and the risk can be high, but the person can be at peace that they did make the healthier choice, which does help the person's self esteem.
Don't play the victim role in life. What happens to you is not everyone else's fault and your happiness is not based on everyone else. Your happiness is YOUR choice! Playing the victim role: "Woe is Me", like Eyeore, does not help a person's self esteem.
Go and try out and do things. If you want to try baking, then do it. If things do not turn out well the first time, then keep trying. That is how you can build your self esteem. Being active, feeling comfortable to trying something new, risking in a way that the outcome can be positive. For example, if you want to run a marathon then take the steps to train for one. When you train for one, you see results. Your goal is the completion of a marathon, when you complete one, YOU feel good about yourself. Your self esteem grows.
Address the negative self belief statements in your head. If you ruminate over that you are a loser, that will keep you feeling depressed. If you say that you are a loser, look at what is factual, not base it on your feelings. If there is nothing factual about you being a loser, then that is a negative self belief statement which can be changed. For example: I am not a loser, I may not do this well, but I am trying and getting better. When you begin to change how you see yourself, even if you have been told for a long time that you are a loser, you are beginning to grow your self esteem. It can be a challenge but work at it daily, you will think better about yourself.
For the PARENTS: Stop doing everything for your child. If your child gets in trouble at school, help them through it but DON'T blame whatever it was on other people. DON'T fight their battles for them. Let them fight their own battles. Be there for support, to listen to them, to guide them, but allow them to handle the situations on their own. Help them to be responsible for their own choices, even if it is not a good choice. Remind them that your job as a parent is to guide them so they can be a responsible adult. Maybe parents need to remember that their job is to raise their children to make their own decisions, to have them be accountable for what they do, to be disciplined, to be the parent, not the friend. When parents do everything or a lot of things for their child, they are not helping them at all, but hurting them. Parents can reinforce thier child's own low self esteem.
Self esteem is what you do with what you can do. It also is what you get when you try something new. It is also how you see yourself, what you think about with yourself. Only YOU can increase your self esteem.
No one else can increase your self esteem. Not even a therapist, but a therapist, family, friends can help you cheer you on while you increase your self esteem.
Make healthier choices, you can begin now.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Ways to Enhance Your Marriage
Marriage can be hard work. The person that you married may be different in some ways as the years go by. Hopefully this difference is for the better. Sometimes it is but then again, sometimes it's not. The things that you initially loved about your spouse may have grown to the very things you despise which can cause heartache and make the marriage even more challenging. So, if you are in that spot, how can you move forward and enhance your marriage?
1. Acknowledge the changes, good and not so good in the marriage.
2. Focus on your self where you have changed for the good or not so good.
3. Each take responsibility for that change.
4. Listen to each other, which helps out a lot!
5. List how you can "change back". A person can not change back in who they were 5 years ago or however long ago but when you look at how you once were, it can help you remember the good times and recreate a desire to be that person. For example: if you were more spontaneous because of not having kids but now you have kids and you plan for everything; you can begin to be more spontaneous which will add more spark back in yourself, spouse and your family. That small change can enhance a lot and add a new dimension to your marriage.
6. Apologize and forgive hurts, past and present.
7. Desire for change.
8. Allow time for change. Keep practicing daily. New visions of your marriage takes time.
9. Start doing small changes and enjoy the positive results.
10. Make time for each other, even if it's a 5 minute alone time with your spouse, enjoy those moments.
I know most of the points may not have been ways to enhance your marriage but in a way they are. As Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge". It's true. In order for your marriage to be better than it is at the current time, you got to look at ways you can change it or enhance it.
Til next time,
1. Acknowledge the changes, good and not so good in the marriage.
2. Focus on your self where you have changed for the good or not so good.
3. Each take responsibility for that change.
4. Listen to each other, which helps out a lot!
5. List how you can "change back". A person can not change back in who they were 5 years ago or however long ago but when you look at how you once were, it can help you remember the good times and recreate a desire to be that person. For example: if you were more spontaneous because of not having kids but now you have kids and you plan for everything; you can begin to be more spontaneous which will add more spark back in yourself, spouse and your family. That small change can enhance a lot and add a new dimension to your marriage.
6. Apologize and forgive hurts, past and present.
7. Desire for change.
8. Allow time for change. Keep practicing daily. New visions of your marriage takes time.
9. Start doing small changes and enjoy the positive results.
10. Make time for each other, even if it's a 5 minute alone time with your spouse, enjoy those moments.
I know most of the points may not have been ways to enhance your marriage but in a way they are. As Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge". It's true. In order for your marriage to be better than it is at the current time, you got to look at ways you can change it or enhance it.
Til next time,
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