Is Self Esteem really the main problem?

I have clients who come to me and generally say that their self esteem is low. Yes, there are other things that have happened to them, they went through some really scary stuff or they are feeling depressed based on their situations and then they say, they have low self esteem. Parents will bring in their children or teens, talk about their behaviors and comment that their self esteem is low.

A therapist can not give a person higher self esteem. Only the person can give themselves higher self esteem.

So, what can a person do?

A great way to start is to realize that the person has only so much control in their lives. The control that a person has are: how they respond or react to a situation, what they do with their time, friends they make, choices they make, if they choose to go out and meet people or stay inside, what they eat or do not eat and if they ask for help or not. People also have control if they are going to take responsibility for their own actions, play the victim role, do things that they are supposed to do so that they do not always need to be told what to do.

Everything else is outside of their control. So even when the worst things that one can think of, if it's out of the person's control, it is out of their control. There is still a choice that a person will choose based on the information that they know, but they can not predict how things will actually turn out. For example; if a person chooses to play the slot machines in Vegas, with their pay check, that is their choice, They did control that part. When they lose, everytime, that is the outcome that they can not control and other consequences happen.

Accept responsibility for the choices that the person makes. It is so much easier to blame everyone else but it does not help make the person happier or feel good about themselves. When a person does accept their responsibility, it may not feel good and the risk can be high, but the person can be at peace that they did make the healthier choice, which does help the person's self esteem.

Don't play the victim role in life. What happens to you is not everyone else's fault and your happiness is not based on everyone else. Your happiness is YOUR choice! Playing the victim role: "Woe is Me", like Eyeore, does not help a person's self esteem.

Go and try out and do things. If you want to try baking, then do it. If things do not turn out well the first time, then keep trying. That is how you can build your self esteem. Being active, feeling comfortable to trying something new, risking in a way that the outcome can be positive. For example, if you want to run a marathon then take the steps to train for one. When you train for one, you see results. Your goal is the completion of a marathon, when you complete one, YOU feel good about yourself. Your self esteem grows.

Address the negative self belief statements in your head. If you ruminate over that you are a loser, that will keep you feeling depressed. If you say that you are a loser, look at what is factual, not base it on your feelings. If there is nothing factual about you being a loser, then that is a negative self belief statement which can be changed. For example: I am not a loser, I may not do this well, but I am trying and getting better. When you begin to change how you see yourself, even if you have been told for a long time that you are a loser, you are beginning to grow your self esteem. It can be a challenge but work at it daily, you will think better about yourself.

For the PARENTS: Stop doing everything for your child. If your child gets in trouble at school, help them through it but DON'T blame whatever it was on other people. DON'T fight their battles for them. Let them fight their own battles. Be there for support, to listen to them, to guide them, but allow them to handle the situations on their own. Help them to be responsible for their own choices, even if it is not a good choice. Remind them that your job as a parent is to guide them so they can be a responsible adult. Maybe parents need to remember that their job is to raise their children to make their own decisions, to have them be accountable for what they do, to be disciplined, to be the parent, not the friend. When parents do everything or a lot of things for their child, they are not helping them at all, but hurting them. Parents can reinforce thier child's own low self esteem.

Self esteem is what you do with what you can do. It also is what you get when you try something new. It is also how you see yourself, what you think about with yourself. Only YOU can increase your self esteem.

No one else can increase your self esteem. Not even a therapist, but a therapist, family, friends can help you cheer you on while you increase your self esteem.

Make healthier choices, you can begin now.

Ways to Enhance Your Marriage

Marriage can be hard work. The person that you married may be different in some ways as the years go by. Hopefully this difference is for the better. Sometimes it is but then again, sometimes it's not. The things that you initially loved about your spouse may have grown to the very things you despise which can cause heartache and make the marriage even more challenging. So, if you are in that spot, how can you move forward and enhance your marriage?

1. Acknowledge the changes, good and not so good in the marriage.
2. Focus on your self where you have changed for the good or not so good.
3. Each take responsibility for that change.
4. Listen to each other, which helps out a lot!
5. List how you can "change back". A person can not change back in who they were 5 years ago or however long ago but when you look at how you once were, it can help you remember the good times and recreate a desire to be that person. For example: if you were more spontaneous because of not having kids but now you have kids and you plan for everything; you can begin to be more spontaneous which will add more spark back in yourself, spouse and your family. That small change can enhance a lot and add a new dimension to your marriage.
6. Apologize and forgive hurts, past and present.
7. Desire for change.
8. Allow time for change. Keep practicing daily. New visions of your marriage takes time.
9. Start doing small changes and enjoy the positive results.
10. Make time for each other, even if it's a 5 minute alone time with your spouse, enjoy those moments.

I know most of the points may not have been ways to enhance your marriage but in a way they are. As Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge". It's true. In order for your marriage to be better than it is at the current time, you got to look at ways you can change it or enhance it.

Til next time,